lost in thought.

i'd lived in the same town for about 23 years and spent most of those years day dreaming and planning my escape...  i'd always felt cramped in such a small town and hoped for an adult life in an amazing new place.  i always fancied the idea of living in a big city or somewhere near the ocean.  a place where culture was thriving and endless opportunities awaited around every corner.  

after the dissolution of my life in that town i desperately needed to escape more than ever.  closed off from my true feelings i found myself following someone else's lead and finally made my move out of the town i had always known.  i was very excited and have always loved this city, but within the first month of my big move i was quickly left behind with nothing but myself and my precious babies (mr. grizzle & alice) to depend on.  

we found our own place and struggled to stay afloat.  my family was very supportive and helpful but there is only so much that can be done from a few hours away.  i remember when i was younger and my grandmother lived in south carolina, i asked her if she ever got lonely being so far away.  she mentioned that the first several years were really tough and full of being homesick but it always got easier when family and friends came to visit.  each visit was a treasured memory and she enjoyed living somewhere people wanted to visit.  when she moved back after close to 10 years she then found herself homesick for the carolinas... i guess we never can win. 

 

living alone was just that... lonely.  it was tough and i barely made enough to cover living expenses in this new city let alone any extras.  i definitely closed myself off for fear of showing weakness and slipped into one of the worst depressive states of my entire life, along with adding debt back into my life.  i had very few visitors and in some ways i'm sure that was for the best.  anyone who knows me would have seen the sadness and forced me to move back home in complete failure.  so i continued to work as much as i could and convinced myself to stick it out a little longer.  all the while constantly hoping i would find happiness and opportunity here, because i do truly love this city. 

i've been here now for about 3 years and have made some really wonderful memories.  thank goodness i hung around through all the tough times because i would never have met mark.  we found each other at the exact right time and its made everything worth while.

i still struggle with being so distant from family and friends but what is lacking is made up by the little home we have created here.  i do wish we would have more visitors and i try to understand why we haven't.  i know everyone has busy lives and i know we could all try a little bit harder to keep in touch.  this blog, i hope, has created a way to let everyone in on the little things going on in our life.

yesterday i was lost in thought and forced myself to get outside for a little bit...

it ended up being a really beautiful day.

peace & love~